I’m absolutely fascinated by the Lawrence Welk Show.

Hear me out.

It’s totally square. It’s totally uncool. It’s completely Wonder Bread with mayonnaise. But it’s also what was really going on during its era, which was the late 50′s through the early 70′s.

We all want to think that we’d have been the cool ones. You totally have bought a first edition of Coney Island of the Mind, right? Probably not. You’d have been watching Lawrence Welk, and driving your American made sedan into the city, because you would have wanted to be Mad Men, not a dirty damn hippie.

So when I saw this on YouTube (probably linked from BoingBoing), it blew my mind.

How absolutely fucking hilarious is this? It’s something that would never happen today, because any PA on any television show could tell you what toking means, and was probably out in the alley demonstrating what toking means just minutes before you asked. But in 196whatever? It wasn’t in the vernacular.

So here’s when I watch this, I picture some teenager, trapped in the house, being forced to watch Lawrence Welk by his parents. And maybe he’s a kid that’s kinda on the edge, leaning away from white bread America, listening to the rock & roll & growing his hair long. And maybe he’s heard the real version of this song, and maybe he knows exactly what it’s really talking about. What’s going through that kid’s head? I would die.

Lawrence Welk thought the song was a spiritual. It’s such a great example of the divide between the everyday & the underground, but we don’t look back fondly on him or his show.

Which is a shame, because that dress she’s wearing? Pretty hot.

And listen to some Duran Duran.  Unfortunately, I can’t embed any of their awesome videos, so you’ll just have to sing out loud at your computer.

We’ll start with Hungry Like the Wolf.

Is there any better music for a singalong jamboree than bluegrass?  And how much do you want to visit Bill’s Pickin’ Parlor?

Your thoughts?

Some pansy-ass, piece of shit NPR blogger is trying to muscle in on my Rahm Emanuel for mayor action. Fuck off NPR blogger. Get your own thing, asshole.

And by the way?  Do you know why my post is funnier?  Because I use the fucking curse words, douchebag.

[Expletive]?  Seriously?  That shit is weak.  Real fucking weak.

Rahm for Mayor!

“Because fuck you, that’s why.”

“Hey [Opposing Candidate]! You can run, but you can’t hide.  You chickenshit motherfucker.”

“Am I capable of decency? Lady, that’s a fucking retarded question.”

“The Democrat message will beat the Republican message. Upside the head with a fucking baseball bat.”

“Kicking ass & taking names. What’s your fucking name?  Your name is Asshole.”

“The take no prisoners, punch you in the balls, make you cry & tell you mama about it candidate.”

“I’m shaking hands.  Get your ass over here & let me shake your fucking hand.”

Here’s Nick Cave’s version of Stagger Lee, with a video shot by a student film maker.  It’s a darker, heavier version of the song.  It’s the soundtrack to tears in a glass of whiskey & regrets that won’t leave you alone, rather than a lighthearted coming of age beach trip for high school girls.  There’s a time & a place for both of course.

And courtesy of my friend Keith, here’s a version from a band called Modern Life is War. So this version is definitely not my style.  I can’t get into the growling vocals.

Neil Diamond also covered this song.  It’s remarkable for just how straight it is.  I don’t think Neil Diamond could sing behind the beat if his life depended on it.  I’d love to see what would happen if the audience at the Wilson Pickett show got to see Neil Diamond perform this instead.  Riots.

There is also a saxophone solo.

Let’s check in with Ike & Tina Turner & see what they have to say about all this.

In the previous versions, Stagger Lee loses his “brand new Stetson hat” to Billy.  Ike & Tina have him losing his “brand new Cadillac.”  They play higher stakes dice in Ike & Tina’s world.

But who’s right?  I feel like Lyle Lovett would be the perfect person to adjudicate this, but he has yet to weigh in, so we’ll get another white person’s perspective, courtesy of Huey Lewis & the News.

And now, don’t you all want to listen to Power of Love?  Because that song is awesome.

The song “Stagger Lee”.  If you’re a lady my age, you probably first heard it in the movie “Shag”.  Remember how much you loved that movie?  I wish I could dance like Pudge.  And how happy were you that Carson ended up with Buzz?  It was like Sex & the City for teenaged girls.  Think about it: you have the socialite, the slutty one, the uptight Senator’s daughter, and the girl who’s prettier than everyone thinks she is.

Anyway, the version of Stagger Lee used in the movie is the bowdlerized version, which was recorded at Dick Clark’s request.  Apparently, fighting over a woman is better than murdering a man because of a dice game.  Whatever Dick Clark. Lloyd Price had a #1 hit with the original.

And here’s Wilson Pickett, making it a Wilson Pickett song.  Can’t you just imagine him busting into the chorus of Land of 1000 Dances?

dead bodies on Mount Everest.  Did you know that when people die during the climb, they’re left where they fall?  It makes total sense, because, seriously? I don’t like helping drunk people up the stairs.  I’m not hauling your dead carcass down Mount Friggin Everest.